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Show me someone who says they're proud of everything they've done and I'll show you a liar.
[Himself included. He doesn't elaborate on that part, though.]
There's no going back for any of us. You're right, the trail doesn't go away. But it can fade if you stop adding to it. That's a choice you have to make, over and over again. It can start any day- it can start now.
[Dodger tips his head, really considering it. He doesn't think it's that simple, he thinks- maybe the reason Esikko makes him so angry is because nothing else does here, and that anger just needs somewhere to go. He can't imagine it actually fading out, he can't imagine who he'd be without the urge to hurt and kill.]
And what if I backslide again?
[He leans back, to properly study Jayce's face.]
I haven't killed anyone since September. But I could start up again. It's easy for me, humans are... fragile. So if I lose my temper, or I piss someone off that won't let me go, or I get hungry and there's nothing else to eat, are you going to tell me I made the wrong choice?
[They're small choices, compared to the sort of terrorism he was doing back home. But he can't imagine he'll find a good reason to bomb the resort. He's worried, more than anything, about the fact that some people don't make a distinction between survival and malice. And he's not above pretending something was self-defense... but well, he just needs to pick at this.]
[Jayce’s brow is furrowed because … well, he doesn’t have the perfect answer. And he’s about to work on a solid defense for Dodger— the difference between self-defense, survival, and murder— but there’s one thing he gets hung up on. Maybe he’s misunderstanding.]
[Hm. So that's the limit, for Jayce. Dodger shrugs, and leans forward to press a kiss to Jayce's neck. A moment of thought passes, and he lets his teeth graze along the older man's skin.]
Jayce is slower to respond this time, that thought still on his mind, his hand eventually sliding to Dodger's shoulder.]
You don't go into wanting to make a change in yourself already finding excuses why you could backslide. Start by telling yourself you're not going to regress.
[Dodger hums softly, and presses one more kiss to Jayce's skin before he actually leans back to answer.]
I backslid once and no one will let me fucking live it down. Fuck me for worrying about it.
[Although it is true, he really hasn't given Jayce the full story.]
...I tried to kill Bloemrose. On Christmas. He started some dumb fucking argument, I took the bait, and then... he blocked me, and I lost my temper. And I just wanted him to unblock me, I just didn't- I didn't want to not be able to message him. Because I needed him. So I went to talk to him and- it went wrong, and he used this spell on me that shut my powers off and it fucking hurt, and-... and I just wanted to slam his head into the wall, as much as it took for him to shut the spell off. But it- if he'd stopped, if he'd let me talk to him, I wouldn't have-...
[He grimaces. He's not actually sure if he would have calmed down.]
...I don't know. It's the first time I lost control since I got here. I don't like feeling the way I do around him, but I don't- I don't want him to just be off-limits forever, either.
[Now this is getting at something Jayce feels more comfortable being able to discuss. There's codependency here, but unlike his form of totally normal and healthy codependency, Dodger's got something else going on.]
You say you need him. Why? You're supporting yourself and you have a wonderful partner.
[They're both finally leaning far enough away from each other they can keep eye contact, and that's vital here.]
Let's say he is off-limits forever. No contact. What does Bloemrose add? What do you lose?
[Dodger looks deeply uncomfortable with this line of questioning. It's not something he's examined properly. He needs Esikko, he shouldn't be on his own, those are just foundational facts. As clear and obvious as gravity.]
Don't say 'partner'. It sounds-... he's my boyfriend.
[Henry is wonderful, though, there's no arguing there. And Dodger has been... managing on his own, even if he loses his mind a little every time that someone tells him what to do. Like a dog being offered a walk. So why is it so important to get to lay at Esikko's feet?]
I'm not supposed to be on my own. [He manages after some thought.] I'm-... not like most people. I need someone in charge of me, and Bloemrose was- that. I'm like... a stray dog, right now.
[The humorous fact they're having this- a very serious conversation- while Dodger's sitting entirely on his lap, is not lost on him. Again Dodger earns an incredulous look.]
Is it really putting someone "in charge of you" if you want them dead if they don't do what you want?
[Dodger shrugs awkwardly. And has to pause to drink more while he's thinking. He drains about half of his bottle, and finally starts to feel the alcohol starting to work on him. Just barely, but it's something.]
I put up with plenty of his shit before he cut me off. I didn't like what he had me doing but it... it was something. I don't do well without... guidance. My boss from home isn't here, and he-...
[...He was making Dodger the fall guy for something. He doesn't know what.]
Augustine used to make me do shit I didn't want, used to kick my ass if I didn't obey. But he did it for a reason and he wanted to know where I was all the time. I just don't want- I hate not being able to talk to him, I hate that he doesn't want me near him. I hate- that everyone keeps telling me to just not go near him. He's all I cared about when I showed up, he kept me from losing my fucking mind and now I'm just- nothing to him. He was supposed to-...
[It's around here he realizes how fucking stupid it is to be spiraling about this again, and how much stupider it is to be doing that while straddling Jayce's lap. Dodger takes a deep breath, even if it comes out shaky, and presses his forehead to the crook of Jayce's neck.]
...You can shut me up. This isn't really your problem.
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peacockstop2026-03-15 02:11 pm
no subject
[Himself included. He doesn't elaborate on that part, though.]
There's no going back for any of us. You're right, the trail doesn't go away. But it can fade if you stop adding to it. That's a choice you have to make, over and over again. It can start any day- it can start now.
no subject
And what if I backslide again?
[He leans back, to properly study Jayce's face.]
I haven't killed anyone since September. But I could start up again. It's easy for me, humans are... fragile. So if I lose my temper, or I piss someone off that won't let me go, or I get hungry and there's nothing else to eat, are you going to tell me I made the wrong choice?
[They're small choices, compared to the sort of terrorism he was doing back home. But he can't imagine he'll find a good reason to bomb the resort. He's worried, more than anything, about the fact that some people don't make a distinction between survival and malice. And he's not above pretending something was self-defense... but well, he just needs to pick at this.]
no subject
… Get hungry?
no subject
Just a hypothetical.
no subject
[The rest didn't seem like hypotheticals.
Jayce is slower to respond this time, that thought still on his mind, his hand eventually sliding to Dodger's shoulder.]
You don't go into wanting to make a change in yourself already finding excuses why you could backslide. Start by telling yourself you're not going to regress.
no subject
I backslid once and no one will let me fucking live it down. Fuck me for worrying about it.
[Although it is true, he really hasn't given Jayce the full story.]
...I tried to kill Bloemrose. On Christmas. He started some dumb fucking argument, I took the bait, and then... he blocked me, and I lost my temper. And I just wanted him to unblock me, I just didn't- I didn't want to not be able to message him. Because I needed him. So I went to talk to him and- it went wrong, and he used this spell on me that shut my powers off and it fucking hurt, and-... and I just wanted to slam his head into the wall, as much as it took for him to shut the spell off. But it- if he'd stopped, if he'd let me talk to him, I wouldn't have-...
[He grimaces. He's not actually sure if he would have calmed down.]
...I don't know. It's the first time I lost control since I got here. I don't like feeling the way I do around him, but I don't- I don't want him to just be off-limits forever, either.
no subject
You say you need him. Why? You're supporting yourself and you have a wonderful partner.
[They're both finally leaning far enough away from each other they can keep eye contact, and that's vital here.]
Let's say he is off-limits forever. No contact. What does Bloemrose add? What do you lose?
no subject
Don't say 'partner'. It sounds-... he's my boyfriend.
[Henry is wonderful, though, there's no arguing there. And Dodger has been... managing on his own, even if he loses his mind a little every time that someone tells him what to do. Like a dog being offered a walk. So why is it so important to get to lay at Esikko's feet?]
I'm not supposed to be on my own. [He manages after some thought.] I'm-... not like most people. I need someone in charge of me, and Bloemrose was- that. I'm like... a stray dog, right now.
no subject
[The humorous fact they're having this- a very serious conversation- while Dodger's sitting entirely on his lap, is not lost on him. Again Dodger earns an incredulous look.]
Is it really putting someone "in charge of you" if you want them dead if they don't do what you want?
no subject
I put up with plenty of his shit before he cut me off. I didn't like what he had me doing but it... it was something. I don't do well without... guidance. My boss from home isn't here, and he-...
[...He was making Dodger the fall guy for something. He doesn't know what.]
Augustine used to make me do shit I didn't want, used to kick my ass if I didn't obey. But he did it for a reason and he wanted to know where I was all the time. I just don't want- I hate not being able to talk to him, I hate that he doesn't want me near him. I hate- that everyone keeps telling me to just not go near him. He's all I cared about when I showed up, he kept me from losing my fucking mind and now I'm just- nothing to him. He was supposed to-...
[It's around here he realizes how fucking stupid it is to be spiraling about this again, and how much stupider it is to be doing that while straddling Jayce's lap. Dodger takes a deep breath, even if it comes out shaky, and presses his forehead to the crook of Jayce's neck.]
...You can shut me up. This isn't really your problem.