[It was a bit of code switching, Women in Yunping especially in the poorer parts of town spoke fast and could make a sailor blush. It was easy to fall into easy cussing with Nie Mingjue who had a foul mouth on him as well. Taking account and honoring that part of himself helped him unravel some of the rest.]

I would not say I was… okay I was coerced into them, everything there was laced with substances that incited desire, but I had to come to terms with what I wanted to do and with whom.

Er-ge, I’ve never had a perfect union before there. My only time in life was when A-Song was conceived and we never…

It took me so long to learn to be okay with doing such things I wouldn’t have survived if… [if Da-ge wasn’t there. He didn’t say it. I wasn’t okay. I felt like I was dirty and anything I touch became dirty as well.

I don’t know why either. Have you never had interest? There are some people like that and that is perfectly fine.

For me I had to decide where the line is. I can’t sleep with strangers, I have to be friends first and know they won’t hurt me. What I worry about is that things happen, you eat or drink the wrong thing, breathe the wrong air, A flower shoots pollen in your face and then your choices are limited.


And that loss of control and what happens with it hurts, and is terrifying. I want Er-ge to prepare for that eventuality, mentally. And come up with a safety plan in place. I am worried.